blah

im ok.. i have a 6 inch scar from my elbow to just below my armpit that hurts like hell, but im ok.

doc said i cant go back to work till july, and i lost my shit on him... so, 'we' decided may 1st. thats a month, plus the 3 weeks i was already out.. doesnt he know im a workaholic?? what am i supposed to DO all day?!

maybe i'll take isabella on a vacation. been awhile since ive been to my parents property in NC. she hasnt been there in over 2 years, so maybe, at 3, she'll remember it this time!

im not supposed to be typing. im not supposed to be lifting my daughter, or doing the dishes or functioning like a real person in any way, but ha! i cant do that. CANT. i do make isabella jump up into my right arm, and i do take almost an hour to fill the dishwasher, but im DOING it. i HAVE to do something. i feel friggen useless.

so, life has sucked, but finally there are a few nice days in between all the rain, and i can occupy the kiddo with outside stuff instead of watching movies all day. if i have to watch superman one more time, i swear im going to go insane!

surgery? why yes, thank you, i'll take two.

i have 2 days till my surgery for cubital tunnel syndrome. wtf is that? yeah, i thought the same thing. cubital-tunnel.com has all the answers, and i know this, cause i have been pouring over the site since i was diagnosed. im lucky enough to have gotten a score of 2 on my EMG test, which means i only have 10% feeling in my left hand's pinky and ring fingers. pretty as those bitches are, i cant feel 'em.

so im getting what is called "Submuscular Transposition of the Ulnar Nerve for Cubital Tunnel Syndrome" AKA "anterior transposition surgery" which moves the nerve, which is pinched, from the back of my elbow to the inside of my elbow, cutting thru the muscle and sometimes bone to get to it. photos? suuuure.

http://adamtuliper.blogspot.com/2008/11/surgery-day-for-ulnar-nerve.html

he and i are lucky enough to be getting the same surgery. amazing who you can find on a site specifically for people who are diagnosed with the same "disease". interesting, in comparison to the vastness of the world wide web. wow, how off topic of me.

anyway, i have the option to go under all the way or be awake with a local. I AM NOT STUPID. knock me out, doc, i want no recollection of this. but, as with all surgeries, i have a few reservations. they all include me dying. which im not a fan of. i want to see my daughter again. shes awesome. and only 3 years old, so its kind of important to me to make sure she grows up right...

so ive got surgery scheduled and everything at my job is secured, finished, taken care of completely, but my personal "job" is a mess. however, im not dusting in case i may die, cause that would just be a waste.

then there is the 8-10 week wearing a cast and sling part im not looking forward to. aaaaand, being the fashionista i am, i went and purchased this.

http://www.activeforever.com/p-4715-sling-couture-arm-sling.aspx

word on that, btw. and good thinkin on their part for not making them with sequins on the back end of it, only on the front. anyways, with this whole recovery time thing, my baby's daddy will be staying with me. great of him to help, but wtffff, cause im not sure i want him there for SO many reasons. like after 2 days when he bitches that the couch is hurting his back while im upstairs in a California King sized Tempur-Pedic nasa foam bed all by my happily lonesome. and what if he thinks this means i want him back? or what if im all doped up on painkillers and say/do something to where he may think i want to, when in a normal concious state id like nothing of the sort? ugh. this could be an epic show of patience or an epic failure due to lack of patience. we shall see!

so, everyone out in cyberspace, wish me luck, cause this is gonna be a whirl.

dear life, SUCK IT. regards, KiM

miserable week ended with catastrophic day. my life is so un-awesome.

DECISIONS, DECISIONS

There will always be hard decisions in life that hurt like hell to make. It will always be scary not knowing what to do. I mean, what if you make the wrong choice? What if you screw up? What if you lose everything you worked so hard for?

But just because you're afraid doesn't mean you can hide from the decisions that must be made. You just have to make them and hope like hell, it was the right choice.

That's all we can really do.
Your decisions will be wrong most of the time but that doesn't mean you give up on life. Keep going until you get it right.

silence

I realize how much I miss you
I always knew I would
But sitting alone
Really brings it home

Can I remember
The first time you said my name?
I can remember
The last--but it wasn't the same.

I realize how much I miss you
I always knew I would
But sitting here just remembering you
Reminds me my Paul is gone for good...


i'm gonna listen to what you always say. said. your mantra, im going to, just not yet baby. not yet. i still need you to live inside me... i know it was for my worries and my daily trials, but i need you now, i need your strength and your scent and your love and arms wrapped back around me or i feel as though i wont survive... im crumbling without you...

Sail on sweet girl, sail on...

turn me left, turn me right
turn me anywhere but facing you.

your eyes are full of lies and love
and i hate you for it.

keep away, baby.

just keep away.

why.

thesaurus optional. yes. thats my life. i could use a general boring phrase, but why? i could say i "wasted hours playing Mafia Wars yesterday", but why when i can switch it up to things like "spent my day hitlisting"?

i never liked using dull words. i blame my 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Mickle, who said things like "be vivvvacious!" and "yes, dahhhling". she was fat and eccentric with ridiculously beautiful hair, and i admired the hell out of her. she's not why i love words, but she is the person i most remember for good use of them.

i dont know when i began to love words. i dont know why either, but what i do remember is being 6 or 7 and trying to read The Babysitters Club series and Judy Bloom books, and having to use a dictionary... and my parents had a BIG dictionary. it was an old Websters, and it was, in no exaggeration, a foot thick. ive asked them to leave it to me in their Will. seriously.

i write all the time, just in the past 10 years or so its been work related or in emails sent about nothing. so ive decided to get back to that love of words i had years ago, thanks to a new and very interesting friend of mine.

So, somewhere along this long, wordless road i got lost, and dammit, im going to find myself again if it kills me... lets hope it doesnt!

and to my friend who gently shoved me in the blogging direction, the photo is for you. <3